SuperKlutz

This is a tribute to my wife, Virginia. It’s not a memorial, but the day’s not over.

Virginia Gilhooly is a SuperKlutz. She would be a bionic woman, but not all of her parts were replaced. I’m not sure why. I guess insurance always pays to repair a part before they will replace one. I’m expecting to be given a reconditioned wife in her place some day.  

Actually, I thought Virginia was running out of parts to injure at last. I say that knowing she will prove me wrong in the most horrible way. (Editor’s Note: She did. She’s having finger surgery next week.)

At the beginning of The Dick Van Dyke Show, Rob Petrie would arrive home to company, and deftly sidestep the Ottoman to greet his friends, at least in the later seasons. In the beginning, it was more like my wife, only she would have tripped, pulled the Ottoman on top of her, and accidentally set the house on fire.

Two shoulders. Torn Achilles. Strained gastrocnemius muscle. Four corners. That’s a winning Bingo card and a tourist place in the middle of nowhere. Plus, we’ve just added trigger finger surgery – probably caused by flipping me off so much about this web site. The day after finger surgery was scheduled, she woke up with numbness and tingling in two other fingers. It takes skill to injure yourself while you’re asleep.

I’ve started just going to the rest room when we arrive at the orthopedic practice, not because I need to pee, but because it’s a wee bit embarrassing to hear the receptionist say, “What did you injure this time?”

(That, and all the staff and other patients shouting, “Norm!”)

I’m not saying she’s accident-prone, I’m just saying when I get a medical statement with her name on it, I think “This must be a mistake. Her deductible was met months ago!”

I know most sites with a story like this would have a GoFundMe page linked, but she met her copay and deducible months ago, so all her future trauma this year is basically free. Well, except for my stress. Is there a GoGetMeVodka page?